NOTE: I find this is a touchy subject with a lot of women, so do me a favor and read the entire post before you get mad at me. Afterwards, feel free to get as aggravated as you want. (I think…)
Sixteen years ago I married a wonderful man. My husband is a devoted Christian, a loving father, and the spiritual leader of our home. He’s honest, hardworking, and dependable in every way.
But this dear, precious man I married is also a “messy.”
My husband, (who gave me permission to write this post, by the way,) leaves dirty clothes virtually everywhere but the laundry basket. There are more adult-sized dirty hand prints throughout my house than child-sized ones. I find his pocket deposits–mostly crumpled receipts, metal screws, and chewed up drinking straws–everywhere! And if I ever break a limb it will likely come as a result of the random places he leaves his work boots.
Me? Well, I’m not a bona fide clean freak, but I do appreciate having a place for everything and everything in its place. When things look neat and tidy, I breathe a little easier. I’m able to relax better. I honestly enjoy my home more when its in order.
But the older I get and the more conversations I’m privy to, the more I realize there are a lot of women out there who are really, REALLY uptight about their houses.
Case in point? Just the other day I stumbled across a Facebook post from a Christian organization simply asking for suggestions on how to deal with a messy spouse. If the majority of the women who left comments there claimed to be Christians, (and I’d say most of them would,) many of them were hardly shining examples of Biblical womanhood and godly submission. Scores of the comments I read did more to bash husbands than to offer solutions and several even went so far as to suggest a woman leave her husband if he wouldn’t pick up his stuff!
Seriously? You’d walk away from a marriage because your husband doesn’t pick up after himself?
I also found a message board where a woman was absolutely ranting because her husband leaves his shoes and socks in the middle of the living room floor. Other women were chiming in like her total overreaction was completely justified! Now maybe this speaks to how far I’ve let things go, but shoes and socks in the middle of the living room floor are really the least of my worries! If my husband is intentionally crushing cornflakes into the carpet or using the space between the couch cushions as a garbage can, that’s different, but socks and shoes in the floor? Surely if that’s the worst thing a woman can say about her husband, she can count herself blessed!
Now. Let me say here that my own messy spouse came quickly to the defense of many of these women, saying that in a world where so many wives are expected to work outside of the home just as many hours as their husbands, it isn’t fair that they should also have to handle 100% of the housework as well. But before you go nominating him for Husband of the Year, you might as well know he’s also one of those old-fashioned husbands who believes a woman, a mom in particular, should be home, not because he’s a caveman who thinks women have no rights and should be barefoot and pregnant at all times, but because homemaking and childrearing, if it’s to be done well, is a full-time job. Former generations that encouraged women to stay home once they married weren’t nearly so sexist as they were practical! With time I think women have learned that so-called “equality” comes with a very high price. But I’m getting off-subject here…
I also realize that a little messiness becomes a much larger problem where there are underlying marital issues. If your marriage is already struggling, a husband’s disregard for the home becomes a much more personal affront. I understand that, and I sympathize.
But consider the last two paragraphs to be my disclaimer before moving on to what I really want to say. Sometimes, ladies, let’s face it; we can be absolutely obsessive about our homes. And it’s not right.
I believe with all my heart God places within women a love of home and a sense of security and comfort that comes from making that space clean and beautiful and uniquely ours. Wanting it tidy is good and right and proper.
But accusing, insulting, and disrespecting my husband in order to have a clean house, on the other hand, is WRONG.
I figured out a long time ago that my husband doesn’t leave his socks in strange places because he doesn’t love me. He doesn’t forget to put away drinking glasses and plates because he has no respect for me and my system of cleanliness. He doesn’t even leave his laundry in the floor because he’s lazy.
You know why he does it? BECAUSE HE DOESN’T THINK LIKE ME! Much of the time my husband doesn’t even notice the mess that’s driving me crazy, but even if he does, it doesn’t bother him. It doesn’t cause him stress. It doesn’t make him unhappy. And even if he knows a particular kind of mess or a certain habit of his bothers me, because he doesn’t fully understand it, it stands to reason it’s much easier for him to forget it.
Now this same man is driven nuts by the way I cannot function in spontaneity. Spring on me the idea of a surprise trip across town and my brain literally shuts down. Offer the suggestion of taking me out to eat when I’ve had a meal planned and suddenly I’m crying because my plans for the evening have just been hijacked, even though it was all intended just to give me a break! My husband grew up in a family where they did virtually everything by the seat of their pants. He thrives on chaos! He can think on his feet! He loves surprises and adjusts well to change. But he’s married to me—Mrs. Structure. I know that part of me sometimes drives him crazy!
But that’s how differently we think. Now can he learn to see the house through my eyes a little better? Sure, in the same way I can learn to be a bit more impulsive at times. (I have improved in that department in the past 16 years. Some.) But the point is, no matter what I do or how much I gripe or how miserable I try to make him, my husband will never be me. He will never think like I do or see things exactly as I see them. He’ll never agonize over toys strewn across the living room or cry over a spill in the kitchen. (Both of which I have done.) To expect that of him is to expect him to be something he isn’t, which isn’t fair even if it was possible!
And I’ve made this mistake many times along the way–NOT EVEN BOTHERING TO ASK HIM TO HELP. I’ve wanted him to magically see my need, to view our house through MY eyes and then leap to my rescue without me uttering a word. When he didn’t do it I was hurt and angry at him all at once, when, honestly, he just hadn’t noticed! Not because he’s mean or evil or self-absorbed, but because he thinks differently than I do! When I just ask, he has no problem helping.
But whether he helps or not, I’ve learned that a clean house is not worth a strained relationship with my husband. I won’t needle him and nag and criticize or allow myself to become embittered over something that will pass away. I will not sacrifice my marriage on the altar of a clean house.
So if you drop in for a visit, first of all know I’m likely to panic because I can’t handle spontaneity! But also know the house is liable to be a little out-of-sorts. It’s not perfect. It’s not spotless.
But it’s a happy home. And isn’t that what matters most?
Good post! I am obsessive over my house inside and out. My husband is a cleany on the inside, but not the out. My boys will grow up and tell stories about how their mean mother made them put their bikes back in the building every evening etc. I think it's important to have a nice balance and compensate for each others differences 🙂
I'm sure my kids will have their own "mean mom" stories to tell! And I agree–balance is so important.
Thanks for stopping by!
I'm visiting from Thriving Thursdays, and this post is just perfect for me! 🙂 My husband is a "messy" and like you, I crave clean spaces and structure. It's taken me quite a few years to see it with the same perspective you have outlined above. It's really about a personality difference. Of course, I still sigh over dirty socks left next to the couch, but I don't let it make me resentful. I think this line sums it up best, "I will not sacrifice my marriage on the altar of a clean house." Thanks for sharing! I'll be spreading this one around. 🙂
Learning to RELAX about it hasn't exactly been easy, but it's been good for me! Sometimes I don't think we realize just how "persnickety" we're being. I never want to make a husband miserable because I insist he do everything in the home MY WAY.
Thanks for reading!
I think every woman needs to read this! Its so true what all you said, things just don't bother a man the way it doesa woman, I use to spring clean and fall clean my house and be so picky, but I have realized there are things much more important than a spotless house. don't get me wrong I don't leave it filthy, but you know what I am saying, I knew someone that would not let their kids set on the couch didn't want it messed up, I think that was awful we have to make our home a home for our children, if that means a few messes, well then clean it up. I want my kids which are grown now, to always want to come back to their Home sweet Home, and there is no place like home! Loved your Post Tonya, oh yeah my husband does some of the same stuff your husband does 😀 Lisa
I always like to say my house is a home, not a MUSEUM. I want it to look nice and be orderly, but if I'm so strict about it that my husband and kids don't even feel relaxed there, then I'm not making it much of a home at all! THEY are the most important part of my home.
Thanks for reading, Lisa!
I love this post. If most of us could just remember, our husbands don't do the things that annoy us, "to annoy us". They do it because of various reasons, including ones you mentioned. Chris
Thanks, Chris. Just as I want my husband to be tolerant of a few of my own quirks, I certainly can be tolerant of a little messiness on his part!
Thanks for reading!
Great post! I would also like to recommend a very "old fashion" book that really helped my way of thinking in so many areas of my marriage (especially a "messy").
Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Andelin It is a must read for every woman!
http://www.abebooks.com/Fascinating-Womanhood-Helen-Andelin-Random-House/10496534023/bd?cm_mmc=gmc-_-gmc-_-PLA-_-v01
I like the old fashioned books! I'll look it up for sure. Thanks for the heads up about it!
You're my new BFF!! I thought I was the only one who had a "messy" for a hubby?? Especially after being around M & J? M is sooo aware of cleanliness and my husband doesn't mind making a trail and just walking through the mess. Doesn't bother him a bit. The positive side is that if he comes home and the house is a mess,he probably won't even notice. No nagging husband here!!! 🙂
You are not alone! I always try to look at the bright side–I do have friends whose mothers-in-law are IMMACULATE housekeepers, which sets the bar reeeeally high for them. I don't need that pressure either! So see? We're very blessed. 🙂
Fantastic post!! You have a wonderful blog!! I'm your newest GFC follower from the “Fun Friday“ blog hop – this is my blog if you wanted to follow back: godsgrowinggarden.com
Thanks
Angie
PS – I would also like to invite you to a networking blog hop that lasts 1 month long: “The Chain Linky CLIMB” currently live on my blog– Thank you! Chain Linky CLIMB
Thank you for your kind words. And thanks so much for the invitation!
Ah, you have NO idea how badly I needed to hear this. Brilliant writing, sister. Have a blessed week!
I probably need to keep this one handy so I can pull it out and remind MYSELF of these things from time to time! 😉 Thank you so much for your kind words, Ashley, and for reading!
I chuckled over this because it is totally "us"… except in exact reverse! Hubby is the neat and I am the messy. Primarily a result of our mothers' different priorities. I am learning (slowly) to be more neat, and he is coming to understand that happy babies and a perfect house do not always come in a package. 🙂 Bless you!
I was wondering when I'd hear from somebody in the opposite situation! I have a few friends whose husbands are the neat freaks and they are NOT! But it's just as you said–we have to learn to tolerate EACH OTHER and accept the fact that what is OUR priority may not necessarily be our husbands'. And a lot of times that's perfectly OKAY!
So glad you stopped in today!
Thank you for sharing at the Thursday Favorite Things blog hop xo
Thank you, Katherine!
You have made so many good points here, Tanya. I used to get resentful too about what my husband left around the house and the things he didn't see that needed doing.
However, God is making me more at peace with many things as I get older. I love this post – there is so much sense here.
Linked here from Growing Home Blog.
Blessings
Mel from Essential Thing Devotions
Thank you so much, Mel! I never want to allow "stuff" to become more important to me than the wonderful people God has placed in my life. Thanks so much for reading!
Thoroughly applauding this excellent post, especially your mention of the "old-fashioned" concept that child-rearing and home-making is a full time job. I feel like I am the only one doing this job and not working outside the home like I "should".
With best wishes from another "Mrs Structure" over in Great Britain!
Alison
Thank you! I've never understood how raising children and homemaking can be done well without somebody BEING HOME to do it!
I DREAM of someday visiting your country, Alison! 🙂 It was a delight to hear from you. Thanks for reading!
It can only be done well when both parents are willing to do a share of it. The problem so many American families have these days is that the mother's role has expanded to include working outside the home, while the father's role is almost unchanged. This leaves the mother feeling overworked (because she is) while the father feels he must be doing his part because he's doing about the same things his own father did.
My man works from home now, which makes a lot of things (like having work done by contractors) easier. When we both worked outside the home, it was important for at least one of us to have a flexible schedule.
The people who really amaze me are single parents who manage to raise good, healthy kids while working long hours at jobs with rigid scheduling.
This is probably off-subject, but it's troubling to me that so many Americans no longer view parenting as a full-time job. For an overwhelming number of parents in our nation, parental responsibility is shifted AT LEAST 50% of the time to virtual strangers. The housework is really minimal in comparison! But certainly the combination of parenting AND housework requires a full-time commitment if it's to be done well. Personally, I think women worked themselves out of a wonderful situation when they began insisting they needed jobs outside of the home. But perhaps that's another post for another time! 🙂
My point was that when a family does not have a full-time homemaker, it needs two (or more!) part-time homemakers.
I don't know where you got your statistic, but there are 168 hours in a week, and very few children are in childcare and/or school more than 45 hours a week–about 25% of the time.
I view parenting as very important but not a full-time job unless the child has special needs. I bring my child to work with me several times a year on school holidays, and I find I'm quite able to do my full-time job while he's here, just as I am able to do housework while he's home. Of course he is a distraction sometimes, and some of that involves truly needing my attention, but he is not a full-time job. More children take somewhat more attention, although they also can entertain each other sometimes. A baby takes a lot of attention. But it's usually possible to do other things at the same time–as I'm sure you do.
I like my job. I did not like being at home when I was there. Women are not all the same, and I'm glad we have options, but I do want to make it very clear that I think homemaking is "real work" and your job is no less important than mine.
I appreciate that, Becca. Not everyone values the role of a stay-at-home wife and mom and I'm thankful for a working mom who does!
As for the 50% I threw out there–I'm thinking of "waking hours". Given the schedules of many of my own friends and family, it's not an exaggeration at all to say they have their children in someone else's care 50% of their daytime hours or more. Granted, there are times when parents are needed during the night the same as during the day, but obviously nighttime hours don't generally provide the same kind of opportunity for interaction.
If you're blessed with a job that makes it possible to take a child to work with you, then you're blessed indeed and I'm glad you have that opportunity. Take advantage of it as often as you possibly can! I don't know how old your child is, but I'm finding out for myself that they grow entirely too quickly!!
You and I sound a lot alike in our approach to keeping house. My husband is similar, and I've definitely had to learn the hard way that his leaving socks around is not an affront to me! You're exactly right–he really just doesn't see mess the way I do. I went through a phase where I nagged a lot to try and get him to put things away and it was not pleasant for either of us, so I have tried to relax about it and be thankful for the other wonderful things in my home.
(P.S. I am also not good at ALL at being spontaneous, while my husband struggles with planning ahead! Perhaps you and I have learned that opposites attract…)
I know from personal experience that nagging does NOT help and just puts a strain on the relationship. Like you said, focusing instead on the positives and being willing to relax about the rest makes a world of difference in our contentment!
Thanks for stopping by!
Even though I'm the primary breadwinner and happily unmarried and far less traditional than you, I think this is a great post! It's important to distinguish between the level of neatness you truly *need* and what you ideally *like* to have. I think women moreso than men tend to see our homes as reflecting on us and therefore feel that anyone who messes up the home is undercutting our self-worth, but that's a trap.
I also fell in love with a man who is messier than I am. Your advice about avoiding accusations and disrespect, and about remembering to ASK for help instead of just resenting that you're not getting it, is spot on!
Another thing that's been important for me is that, the few times I have actually been injured by his mess, he is so genuinely remorseful and attentive to making life easy for me as I recover.
I agree that so often we allow the condition of our homes to determine our worth, which is a real mistake. So often our OCD ways in the home are really just personal preferences and we CAN let them go if we'll just relax. It can be so much better for our relationships when we're willing to do so!
My love and I are in the process of updating a new home before we move in. The previous owner had put in beautiful hardwoods in the common areas about 8 years ago. They are immaculate!! He has laughed at me because I am like a drill sergeant about that floor…LOL We are bi-vocational ministers so between the 2 of us we basically have 4 full time jobs. I said to him it was important to me that he please try to be more observant about dropping food, drink, leaving stuff laying around that might damage the floor especially be mindful about things that would scratch up the floor. I have learned how to put my requests in a way that provides an incentive… I said once we were completely in this house there would be no money to replace them for many, many, many years unless he wanted to give up our dream to take an anniversary trip to Hawaii in the next couple of years. He also wants to go to Disney World again and stay in the resort that has the monorail through it. He gets it when I point out the impact. Yes, he's a big kid but he's all mine and I love him!! Thanks for sharing and letting me share.
I think there's nothing in the world wrong with saying what we'd LIKE TO SEE them do, so long as our attitude is right when we do it. Sometimes that's all the encouragement they really need. And it sounds like your "suggestions" are effective!
Thanks for reading!
I love this post. I love your heart. I love how you spoke boldly but with softness and consideration. Would you mind if I made a link to this in a post I am considering writing on my blog?
Thank you so much, Kersten! And I wouldn't mind at all!
Great reminder, Tanya, and I love your style of writing. Thanks for helping me look on the bright side — my husband doesn't expect a perfect house. 🙂
Thanks so much, Meghan! I DO try to remember how much more complicated my life could be if I had a demanding, meticulous husband. I certainly DO NOT! 🙂 But I know I am very, very blessed.
Thank you for reading!
I am married to a messy man. A thoroughly messy man. While I wouldn't consider leaving him because he doesn't pick up after himself, I disagree with the characterization that leaving clothes where they don't belong isn't a sign of disrespect or laziness. It's both.
Assuming he knows that clothes don't belong dropped where ever he happens to be when he's shedding them, and assuming he knows that it bothers you because it creates more work for you and undermines your attempts to keep house, then what he is doing is essentially CHOOSING to disregard both of those facts and do what he wants anyway. So I guess that makes it disrespectful, lazy, AND selfish.
Not saying it's done maliciously with intent to cause pain. But repeatedly doing it without making any real attempt to change is more than just someone's different way of thinking.
I completely understand the frustration and I also acknowledge that there are different circumstances within a marriage sometimes that can make this a much more sensitive issue. But as I said in my post, my husband tends to leave laundry everywhere and for years it made me nearly crazy! To some extent he has improved, which I think is good evidence he was never intending to disregard me or my efforts around the house. But, where my husband is concerned and where I believe many others are concerned, that's the way he tends to roll in EVERYTHING he does! It's nothing personal or disrespectful toward me or lazy. He leaves his keys in the most bizarre places as well! And his wallet! And his Bible! And his cell phone!
I think you get my point. It's the way he operates. It's nothing personal toward me at all and after 16 years of marriage I have a hard time judging him harshly over it when I know that there are things that I do that probably aggravate him just as much. I don't do it to be unkind or because I don't care about what matters to him–those things just don't matter to me personally, which makes it far easier for me to dismiss them from mind, maybe even at times when I shouldn't do so.
Believe me, I sympathize and I know there may be extenuating circumstances involved with your husband that makes the messiness harder for you to deal with than for most. I can't speak to your specific circumstances. But I also know sometimes we expect our husbands to think like women when it just isn't possible for them to do so.
I'm so glad you took the time to read and comment today!
I have a messy husband too! Married 13 years. The pile of laundry thing tended to drive me crazy. I tried all of the 'tricks' to change it. Let it pile up until he 'sees' it. Nope. I put a laundry basket where he was putting his pile. He moved the pile! I put another laundry basket where his new pile was. He put it next to the basket. His reasoning was he might want to wear it again!
He does several other things to be a 'messy', but over the past year or so I have given up. Given up on changing it. I have finally accepted that it is the way he is. It has helped me so much emotionally to do so. I don't get as frustrated or angry that he did not put his laundry in the basket, or anything else. Still sometimes makes me sigh, but not rant and rave.
For the rest of it, I have stayed at home with the kids for a long time. The youngest child has behavior problems. I did not know if he knew the extent of what I go through at times or if he was ever upset because of the lack of money I could have been making. Money at times was super tight. I finally got to feel needed and that I am useful. He started a new job. All the people were wondering why I don't work. He told them that at first child care was too expensive. I would be paying more to work than the income I would bring in. He then said that now with the youngest child having behavior problems I would need to leave at a moments notice and no telling when I would be back. That the youngest child IS my job. I almost cried.
We have a lot to be thankful for in husbands who are happy with us staying home with our kids. (Even if they ARE messies!)
Thanks so much for stopping by today, Dani!
"He doesn't think like me . . . he doesn't notice the mess, and it doesn't bother him." Thank you for those stirring words and gentle reminders.
Messes get under my skin, too, but I try hard to remember that those messes are "signatures of the ones I love." It can be REALLY hard to remember when toothbrushes are left out on the sink. Grrr! (Ha! 😉
We all have the particulars that make us especially crazy, don't we?! I love the way you said it, though–the messes are "signatures". I think that's a great way to look at it!