Yeah, I’m a Christian and, yes, you read that title right.
You see, aside from what the Bible tells us clearly, I can’t offer great insight into what it takes to raise devoted, lifelong followers of Christ. I don’t even have my own kids raised yet, so fool-proof advice from me on how to bring up God-fearing children would probably be a little premature.
But, then again, I’m no stranger to working with kids. In fact, I’ve been working with children and youth for over 25 years now, since I was barely more than a child myself! I’ve had plenty of opportunity to observe the natural course of things, and if there’s anything I’ve learned along the way, it’s some of what NOT to do if I hope to raise devoted servants of Christ.
In other words, if I wanted to raise my children to walk away from their Christian faith, I would be sure to do the following things. I’m sure there are more, but these are the ones that stick out in my mind and memory the most. I’ve seen these specific actions by parents successfully drive children away from God and the church time and time again:
Tip #1: Never make spiritual things a priority in your home and schedule.
You’re too busy for things like daily Bible reading and study and personal prayer. That’s what church is for! Of course, you can’t help that your daughter’s cheerleading practice sometimes falls on Sunday, or that friends from school keep scheduling birthday parties during church times. But everybody knows going to church doesn’t save anybody anyway, so missing a lot occasionally shouldn’t be a problem. Your kids will somehow figure out that you love Jesus and that they should, too, even if you don’t really emphasize worship, personal devotion, Biblical study, or service to God in any way.
Tip #2: Talk religiously often, but don’t live it out.
Use lots of Christian terms and phrases around your children. Be very emotional in church and cry when you talk about Jesus, but then cuss out the store employee who won’t let you make that exchange or casually lie to your sister-in-law about why you can’t babysit her kids on Saturday. Children don’t pay attention to stuff like that anyway.
Tip #3: Leave all the biblical teaching to the church.
You didn’t go to Bible college, so you can’t be expected to read the Bible to your kids! All that stuff in the scriptures about parents teaching their children the things of God would work great if we were living in a perfect world, but since we’re not…
And that’s what children’s church and youth group are there for anyway, right? Those people have the burden for that sort of thing, so you’re free of that responsibility. Plus if your kid’s faith ends up shipwrecked, it’s kind of nice to have somebody else to blame for it.
Tip #4: Don’t answer your child’s tough questions. Instead make them feel like they’ve sinned just by asking.
Faith is supposed to be blind, right? Like we just accept what we’re told and daring to question it is nothing short of rebellion.
Never mind that Christianity is logical, that there are actually answers to even the toughest biblical/life questions! Finding and expressing them can sometimes require time and effort, and we don’t have that to offer. (Refer to #s 1 and 3.) Condemning sincere questions is far easier, cutting off all communication on the matter and driving the questions deeper where they develop into robust doubt and disbelief that is sure to resurface later.
Tip #5: Always criticize church leadership in front of your children.
There’s nothing like tearing down the authority within the church to give kids a good dose of reality and help drive their rebellion. It doesn’t matter that church leaders are often criticized for things they don’t even realize they have done or said, or that they agonize over decisions they know will not please everyone. Nor does it matter that church leaders are human and sometimes make mistakes just like everybody else. Criticizing them mercilessly, always within earshot of your children, keeps those in leadership in their place and helps ensure your child never fully respects or trusts the very ones placed there for their care and guidance in the faith.
Tip #6: Point out the sins and shortcomings of every Christian as often as possible.
(Though similar to #5, this tip applies to ALL believers, not just those in leadership positions.)
Every failing, every hypocrisy, every misspoken word or questionable deed done by a Christian, (with the exception of yourself, of course,) should be duly noted and the offender verbally abused in conversation before your children. Demanding perfection of other Christians is very effective in doing one of two things: It can either, A.) build a strong sense of self-righteousness, in which case the real need of a Savior is never fully recognized, or it can, B.) encourage the idea that salvation is earned, not freely given, which almost always leads to hopeless despair when kids naturally discover their complete inability to ever be good enough. So why even try, right?
Tip #7: Take your child’s side in conflict. Every. Single. Time.
Turn your kids into victims at an early age and years’ worth of perceived injustice and hurt feelings will drive them to depart the church at an early age as well. At some point someone in the church is sure to hurt your child. Never, EVER tolerate it by listening to the other side of the story. Defend your child’s every word and action and blame everyone else when they are not noticed, praised, and promoted to your liking.
So your daughter misses 3/4 of the children’s choir practices. That shouldn’t keep her from having regular solo parts. After all, she’s obviously the most talented singer.
And so what if the pastor’s kid already has all the lines memorized for the Christmas play! Your child deserves the lead part. The youth pastor’s wife even kind-of-sort-of-almost-implied that the part was already his anyway. If it wasn’t the pastor’s kid, would we even be talking about this? Obviously it’s favoritism and your kid can’t get a fair shake.
And so what if the boy who said those mean things to your child comes from a fatherless home? So what if he comes to church with his grandparents because his mother is usually in bed with a hangover on Sunday mornings? None of that matters so much as your darlings’ feelings, so be sure to rake those grandparents over the coals, and maybe even give the drunken mother a call as well. No doubt a good tongue-lashing will show her the error of her ways and draw her to your church where she can hear the gospel. Lord knows she needs to!
Thank you for sharing!
And thank you for reading!
Very well written! I have a blended family of six kids (age range 13-21). I've lived a life of being a Christian but had lived by those "tips" for several years. Finally, about three years ago, I realized that I wasn't living my life in a way that wasn't showing my true love for Christ. My husband and I made major life changes and it's been so much better. We're still not perfect parents but it's better than it's ever been. Thanks to the good Lord that five of our six kids have a close relationship with Christ. We're still working on the other one. She's 21 yoa and lives on her own now.
So glad to hear of the difference God is making in your life and home, Terra. Sadly, most people who live by these tips will never admit that they do. When we recognize our need for a deeper walk with God, (and we ALL need help in some of these areas sometimes,) He always honors that and blesses our efforts. It sounds like that is exactly what is happening with you.
And we're trusting the Lord to draw your oldest to Him soon! Thanks for reading today!
Ooohhhhhh #7! #7! Sometimes' you can do all the right things and your children still stray or experiment. The good thing is once God had his hook in your mouth you're so not likely to get away.
I'm sure most of us as parents would like it best if we could have total control over our children and make all their decisions for them. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way! But God gives us every opportunity to steer our kids in the right direction. From there, the choice is their own. That is SO HARD. But God is good and I have to believe He will be faithful to help fill in the gaps we leave behind when we're truly making our best effort to lead our children to Him.
Thanks so much for stopping by!
I think we need remember that Christian faith for our children is not a formula. All the things you mentioned are important, but ultimately it is the work of the Holy Spirit that calls His own. We can do all the right things and still have children who do not walk with the Lord. We can mess up terribly, and yet by God's grace, they have a personal relationship with the Living Savior. I did not grow up in a Christian home, and yet here I am…So – I just say this because there may be parents out there with a wayward child and they are grieving over what they did or did not do. Yes, we have a responsibility to lead them to the Living Water, but the end result is a God thing! 🙂
I agree completely. There is no magic formula for producing Christian kids and sometimes even with our best efforts children choose to stray from the things they were taught. Our choice to raise them as believers does not negate their freedom to reject faith.
But at the same time, God’s word gives its own formula for producing followers of Christ in again and again instructing parents to teach their children and remind them constantly of God’s goodness and mercy, His righteousness, and His commands. While kids still have the freedom to walk away from that, the chances of it are far less when God’s directives for raising children are followed. Absolutely there are exceptions to the rule: There are kids raised by godly parents who choose to reject Christ and there are those like you who, thank God, were led to Him in spite of the fact you were not raised in a Christian home. But without question kids raised by committed, practicing Christian parents are far more likely to be Christians themselves than those raised in the home of a nonbeliever, or even a half-hearted Christian one. It was God’s design for parents to lead their children to Him so He could do the work in their hearts.
But I never intended here to lay out a formula for creating Christian children. As I said in the beginning, any foolproof advice from me would be premature anyway.
But I’ve seen a few things that plainly did NOT work, but drove children into rebellion and bitterness and firm disbelief. Trust me: Those kids are so incredibly hard to win back, often harder to lead to Christ than those who grew up with very little knowledge of Him at all! These are just some of the mistakes I wish very much to avoid with my own children.
So true! I couldn't agree more with you! 🙂 I appreciate your encouragement to stay the course and not become complacent, and to make corrections if our course is veering from where it should be.
I love your post. I will admit to struggling with the church leadership and sin pointing thing. I try to balance it out as a lesson in grace because kids begin to notice the hypocrisy in others (many leave the church as adults because of it) and I try to tell them we need to "place our grace" where ALL OF US fall short (the whole spec vs. log syndrome we all need to avoid). It is a fine line though, and I need to be careful. Thank you for this gentle reminder today.
I consider it a reminder for me as well! It's easy to fall into bad habits, especially when we think our kids are too young or too preoccupied with other things to be paying attention. But they pick up on so much more than we give them credit for, which is actually a pretty scary thing!
Thanks so much for reading! And for taking the time to comment. 🙂
Well-written! As a mom of four with two teens now, I've seen so many of these things work against raising kids who want to please God. Another biggie is focusing on good behavior instead of heart change. And, I don't have kids who are fully grown yet either, so I'm sure I can't say exactly how to do it right. But I agree that these are important things to stay away from!
You're so right, Leah. It's easy to be content with good behavior, without really pressing for the hearts of our children. We are satisfied with conformity, not true conversion. That's such a good point!
Thanks so much for reading today, Leah!
Beautiful post, I love keeping my eyes on things to watch for that icould be done in front of our children. Not just that though, but just being a child of the King .Making sure I'm focused on pleasing Him. Again, beautiful post, very straight forward and alive.
Thank you so much. It's something ALL of us have to work on as moms and dads. So glad you stopped by today!
Beautiful blog, very straight forward and real. We need that.
I appreciate that. I TRY to be real. 🙂 Thank you for taking the time to read!
This is the bloggers pick for the faith and fellowship blog hop tomorrow! I LOVED this post!
Thank you so much for the feature! I'm so excited I stumbled across your blog!
Love this, such great wisdom and insight!
Thanks so much for reading, Sarah!
This is so good! I don't have children myself but over the years I have worked with children, teens, and young adults at church. These tips are a must read for every Christian parent. One of the most frequent complaints from young adults is that their parents and church leaders contradict what they teach in Sunday School and over the pulpit. I always pray for the right words to say that will lead them to focus on their lives and their relationship with God without excusing the behavior of others. It gets pretty tough sometimes. 🙂 Thank you for this post!
Praying for wisdom to speak the right words in those situations is the best thing you can do. I am careful never to contradict parents, and yet I want to teach them to be discerning and to analyze everything they hear and see through the scope of God's word.
I'm so glad you have a desire to work with young people! Thanks for reading.
One common issue I see leading to this kind of thing is when Christian parents make every issue a life-and-death moral issue. They fail to teach children wisdom and discernment and instead create rules for every situation. As soon as kids are out from under that environment they start breaking those rules and reject the faith on which those rules were supposedly based.
I will absolutely agree if the rights and wrongs we teach our children are not based upon clear biblical principles, we set ourselves up for trouble every time. Sometimes I think it's easier for parents to completely condemn certain things rather than teach and demonstrate moderation and discernment. I feel that's such a mistake because you are affecting behavior, but not penetrating the heart and mind. When a young person has learned to be discerning and to evaluate everything through the scope of God's word, the morals and values they have learned will still be in good use even when mom and dad aren't anywhere around!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Dean!
Christianity is logical? How so?
What’s logical about believing that anyone who doesn’t believe in the same god as you, is gonna burn in hell for all eternity? I mean, there are billions of muslims who believe in their god even more fervently than you believe in yours, who raise THEIR children to believe in their god, and are just as likely to disavow themselves of their beliefs as you are of yours. Where’s the logic in any of it? Just for the record, I’m Canadian and an atheist, raising four kids with strong morals, who contribute to society all without a belief in any god whatsoever. They’re just good because they know it’s the right thing to do. Moreover, the children of Christian families we know, all seem to be in great turmoil and regularly lie to their parents because they know their parents first love is their god, rather than their children. My kids know that I love THEM most of all, and that we don’t have any weird religious judgement going on, so guess what? They talk to me about everything, and I don’t tell them they can’t swear or be who they are.
I think you raise some interesting points, and I don’t doubt your ability to raise children who can be of great benefit to our society. Kudos to you as a dad for being engaged enough to do so. Far too many parents are missing-in-action in our current culture, and society is suffering for it.
I’m also glad you have an open and honest relationship with your children, as do I. I agree that sometimes children are dishonest with their parents to avoid disappointing them in some way, though I would argue that could happen as easily in your home as in mine. I think God is likely less of a factor in that than the fear of facing punishment from Mom or Dad. God’s judgement is not always swift, while a mom’s or dad’s likely will be! (God very rarely takes away a cell phone or other privileges. A good mom or dad, however…)
But I’m interested in your statement in regard to your children that said, “They’re just good because they know it’s the right thing.” I’m curious to know your standard. What is their “good” based upon? Your word? Theirs? Society’s? “Good”, like truth, has to be based upon some standard and I’m curious who determines that for you. Obviously you have a faith in some sort of goodness and I’m interested to know it’s source and to understand your view on those who violate it. It certainly seems harsh to judge people who may not abide by your own standard of goodness. Your thoughts on that?
“English poet, John Wilmot wrote, “Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories.” Proverbs 3: 1-6 is some sound advice for our children. It is advice worth taking, if only we could get our children to take it.”
Excerpt From: Mike Stair. “The World’s Favorite Bible Verses.”