Actress-and-mother Gwyneth Paltrow sent moms all over the country into an absolute tizzy with some offhand remarks she made in an interview with an online magazine. I refuse to link to any of the entertainment sites that covered the story, (those sites always leave me feeling like I need a good shower,) but I will share a portion of her statement with you here:
“I think it’s different when you have an office job, because it’s routine and, you know, you can do all the stuff in the morning and then you come home in the evening. When you’re shooting a movie, they’re like, ‘We need you to go to Wisconsin for two weeks,’ and then you work 14 hours a day and that part of it is very difficult. I think to have a regular job and be a mom is not as, of course there are challenges, but it’s not like being on set.”
Okay, first of all I have to wonder how she could possibly be so out of touch as to not realize this was going to offend people. Gwyneth will make more money off one endorsement deal than many working moms will make in their entire lifetimes. She regularly works, travels, eats, and sleeps in luxury and never has to fear how she’ll pay her bills or how her children will be provided for.
And if she considers “regular” working moms so fortunate, I shudder to think how cushy she must believe we stay-at-home moms have it! I’m sure she is convinced we play with our adorable little children as long as we like, then hand them off to a nanny so we can sleep, read, scour Pinterest, or go hang out at the local coffee shop, all while the maid keeps things tidy and the cook plans supper.
Bless her heart. She has no clue.
But I didn’t set out to pick on poor Gwyneth. Really. I trust she is very talented and maybe she’s a very nice person in real life.
What really struck me about this story is that, honestly, I’m not so sure most of us moms are really so different from Gwyneth in our thinking.
We ALL think our lives are the hardest. Don’t we? Another mom starts complaining about her circumstances or venting about her rotten day or offering excuses why she couldn’t do this or that, and something begins to rise within us, some strange and unnecessary sense of self-vindication that leaves us rehearsing in our minds, if not out-loud, all the things that make OUR lives harder than theirs.
- What is she complaining about? She only has ONE child! She should try handling FIVE!
- Doesn’t she know how blessed she is? Not everyone is able to have multiple children…
- At least her kids are old enough to help her! I have three helpless little people pulling on me all day long…
- Yeah, she thinks dealing with toddlers is a challenge. Wait until their teenagers!
- She gets to stay home with her kids! I have to work every day!
- She works! I’m stuck at home all day!
- She thinks she’s stressed now? She ought to try homeschooling!
- She gets to homeschool! I feel like I’m living my life in the minivan, just shuttling people around…
- Her husband has an awesome job. She had no idea what it’s like to have financial problems!
- At least her husband is home from time to time! Mine works so much I feel like a single mom!
- Her house is twice the size of mine! What I wouldn’t give for that kind of space!
- Her house is half the size of mine! What I wouldn’t give to have less space to clean!
- She doesn’t know what it’s like to have a special needs child!
- She doesn’t have to care for an aging parent!
- She doesn’t know what it’s like to struggle with chronic illness!
And on and on it goes.
I’m not sure why we feel so compelled to play the my-life-is-harder-than-yours game. Sometimes I’m pretty sure it’s about getting attention: We become little 6-year olds showing off our band-aids, hoping for some sympathy and an, “Oh, you poor baby! What happened?”
But most of the time I think we’re just so insecure in ourselves and our feeble efforts as wives and moms and Christians that the natural reaction is to make self-righteous, self-absorbed, completely pointless comparisons in an effort to justify ourselves, even when any kind of self-justification is both unnecessary and inhibiting to our own personal growth. In a twisted sort of way, critiquing and criticizing others makes us feel better about who we are and what we do, and if we even suspect someone thinks their life is uniquely difficult, we must be quick to set the record straight!
After all, no one has it harder than we have it.
Except that it’s a lie.
Ever meet one of those people who always smiles? Who always responds to a how-are-you with something bright and positive? Yeah, I knew one of those kinds of women several years ago and had known her for quite some time before I ever heard her story. And, interestingly enough, I didn’t hear it from her. I learned that this kind, pleasant lady had lived a life absolutely steeped in tragedy and loss and hardship. She had endured a depth of darkness and suffering that is rare. And I had never heard her complain, never looked on as she whipped out her pain so it could be measured next to everyone else’s and prove once and for all that hers was taller and wider and weightier.
I mean, isn’t that kind of what we do? Somebody starts bemoaning their struggles and we must immediately put them in their place. Lord forbid our own suffering be devalued in any way!
God help us, how petty.
Truth is, none of us know all the things other wives and mothers face. Maybe their lives are harder than ours. Maybe their circumstances are more of a challenge.
But it doesn’t matter if they are or they are not.
These words of the apostle Paul come to mind:
Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit; but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Philippians 2: 3-4
It’s not about what I deal with that you don’t. It’s not about the struggles that are mine and not yours. We all deal with unique circumstances and we all have our successes and failures. And while the tendency to defend ourselves and to find ways to justify our shortcomings is natural, it does NOTHING to help us be better wives and moms, and it certainly doesn’t extend to others the kind of caring and compassion we are commanded in scripture, again to again, to share.
Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another. Romans 12:10
Sometimes my life is hard. Sometimes yours is, too. Whatever our unique challenges, in this broken world we all struggle. We’re really not so different and our lives really aren’t so far apart.
It would do us all good to think less of ourselves and pray more for others. It would help us to stop our grumbling and recognize our tremendous blessings.
And there’s no telling what wonderful things it would do for our hearts and mind if we stopped playing the My Life is Harder Than Yours game.
Hi!
Glad I found you at Katherine's. You're right. She has probably has a misconception of a nonactress mom. Have a great day and many blessings to you and yours.
I'm sure she has MANY misconceptions! But in some ways, we probably all do.
Thank you for stopping by today, Cynthia!
Great post, Tanya! The scripture from Philippians is just perfect. We really shouldn't be comparing our lives (for better, or worse) to anything other than eternal life – and that we have FULLY in Christ Jesus. Have a blessed Easter – He Is Risen!
He is risen indeed! 🙂 And I agree…it would do us all good to stop with the comparisons.
I hope you have a blessed Easter as well, June!
This is such a good challenge/reminder to all of us. I think we have all done it at one time or another………and it is divisive, not Christ honoring. We all have challenges….some are obvious to others, some are not. Thank you for the thought provoking reminder………we are sisters in Christ and we do not need to compete with one another……we need to build one another up. 🙂
That's very true–some challenges are obvious and some are not. But they're all challenges just the same! When our hearts are properly focused on loving Christ and loving our brothers and sisters, we'll spend far less time justifying ourselves by criticizing those around us.
Thank you for stopping in today!
I agree, this is a great reminder to not only be mindful of our words but our hearts. Nothing good ever comes out of criticism and comparing.
You're right. I don't why we fall into that comparison trap again and again!
So glad you stopped in and took the time to comment, Alecia!
Nice post. I have been going through the book of Philippians again over the past month and it is interesting that you have mentioned that verse. It is one, among many that I have been dwelling on. To know that our reactions to others should be modeled after our Savior, who "did not consider equality with God…," and humbled himself to even death on a cross, serves as a very sobering reminder to any amount of "whining," or comparing that any of us may do on a day to day basis.
That scripture has been a favorite of mine for years. It's always a good reminder not to be so absorbed with myself. It's so easy to fall into that trap of making life all about ME, ME, ME! But there's really such joy in striving to put others ahead of ourselves. PLUS it pleases the Lord! What could be better?
Great post – it's true that people do seem to try to "out-miserable" each other! And you make a GREAT point about that not being an ideally Christian response to those around us.
I DID miss this story, since we actually do live under a rock here ; ) I'm fully ready to concede that this actress' life is tougher than mine, tho – I wouldn't trade being home with my family and homeschooling for her life of 14 hour days on a movie set for "all the tea in China." But, I can't help but wonder why she doesn't just quit?
Good question, Anna! And I couldn't agree with you more. I wouldn't trade places with her for the world, even for all her millions!
Thanks for reading today!
What a wonderful post! So thankful to have found you on the link-up tonight! God bless you. I am your newest follower. 🙂
Thank you so much, Cheryl. I'm so glad you found me! 🙂
What an excellent perspective. I've heard so many variations of this "who-has-the-hardest-life" competition over the years…honestly, I think the people who could legitimately "win" the hardest life award are those that don't talk about it. We're each given different challenges and it's much more gracious to help our friends with their challenges instead of "show them" how small their challenges are.
I think that's very true, Rachel — The ones who have faced the most are usually the ones who talk about it the least. I want to learn to be less whiny about my own circumstances and more compassionate in my consideration for others.
Thanks for reading today!
So true! Great food for thought! You can read about our Easter Break here:
http://collettaskitchensink.blogspot.com/2014/04/mondays-musings-easter-break-42114.html
Colletta
So glad you stopped in today. I'll try to stop in at your place as well!
I teach a Ladies' Bible class, and I know form experience that you write the truth. As I look out at them each Sunday morning, I know the different sorrows that each of them face. I also hear the prayer requests and the tones of voice intimating that they feel that they suffer more than all the rest. Usually, the ones that I know that have it the hardest are the most quiet.
Rhonda
I think that's often true, Rhonda. The ones battling the most talk about it the least. Though it's a road all of us would rather not travel, sorrow and suffering develop wisdom and, I believe, true compassion and caring in us as well.
Thank you for reading today!
Hello Tanya,
I enjoyed and was challenged by your post. Thank you for writing it and sharing (found it at a few link-ups).
I felt God impressed upon my heart at the beginning of 2013 to "Be Graceful in All Circumstances" which I believe is what you were getting at in your post. I struggle with it more now than I did at the outset of last year! God continues to work on me and bring me back to living a graceful life as a graceful wife and mother, thanks for being one of those reminders! Have a good day!
Delighted you stopped by today, Melissa. If only we could ALL learn to "be graceful in all circumstances", as you said. What a difference it would make in the way we treat our fellow sisters in Christ!
Hi Tanya! Stopping by from Gingham & Roses Link party and found Gwyneth's comments interesting. Funny, I hadn't heard what she had said this time. I like your perspective about her comment though.
I like how you said everyone has their own struggles and we can't compare our lives and struggles with other peoples.
And we shouldn't play the 'my life is harder than yours game'. That is so true!
We should be thankful every day for what we do have and that we can deal with the struggles of life. Because there are people that don't have much and cannot deal with the struggles life hands them.
Good post! Have a blessed day 🙂
So right, Julie! Though it's not always easy to see at the time, even in the worst of circumstances we always have so much to be thankful for.
Thanks for reading!
This is FANTASTIC. Thank you for posting this. I constantly find myself thinking these things, and it's just plain not honoring to God. It can turn dear friends into enemies in our minds in seconds!
I think it's something we ALL do. And you're right–it does NOTHING to honor God in any way. We can never fully understand the struggles of others, just as they can never fully understand our own. The wonderful things about it; God can give grace enough to handle it all!
Hi Tanya,
I found you via Time Warp Wife. Great post. Very timely. I've been going through a tough time with my aging mother, and this is a great reminder to be gracious to everyone because we truly never know the cross that a person has to bear.
Thanks for sharing.
Selena
So glad you stopped by, Selena! Praying God gives you the grace you need for your circumstances today. I know He is able!
Agree! Thanks for sharing truth. 🙂
And thank you for reading!
Beautifully written… with 8 kids, I often have people pre-emptively saying, "Oh, but I couldn't handle that!" I try to tell young moms with 3 kids under the age of 5… "Oh, you're at the hardest point right now. It really DOES get easier!" and it does… the big ones get big enough to help.
Not that life isn't still hard… of course it is… but its hard for everyone just in different ways. Thanks for the reminder to always extend grace!
It never ceases to amaze me, how those trying things DO work on us and make it easier to extend His grace! Offering a simple word of encouragement rather than comparing our circumstances can make such a difference for others.
Thanks for stopping in, Elisabeth!
Excellent! Especially appreciate Phil. 2:3-4.
I love the verses that follow, too.
"Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God, but made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men. And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross."
Christ is the perfect pattern of humility and mindfulness of others. I want to learn to have that kind of attitude in every circumstance!
Thanks so much for reading, Amy!
Thanks for sharing this. I need these reminders. It isn't that I think my life is harder but yet sometimes I compare and think why can't others get things done when I with my busy schedule can – you know silly things like that – but really I don't know what is really going on in their lives, I don't know exactly how God created them. We are all different and we need to appreciate each other for who we are and not compare.
We ALL need to extend more grace to others sometimes. I'm a busy, driven kind of person and sometimes I find myself impatient with people who aren't like that or who, like you said, seem to struggle to get things done. But I have to remember God makes us all so incredibly different with different strengths and weaknesses, as well as different life circumstances. Honestly, what a boring world would it be if we were all the same?
So glad you stopped by, Abbi!
I love your post! Thanks for linking up with us on the Hip Homeschool Hop!
Wendy
Thanks so much for the opportunity, Wendy! I always love HHM!
I thought the same thing when I read her comments. The funny thing is, I actually think she's right on some level. I am blessed, as a SAHM, homeschooling mom of many, to NOT have a whole cadre of people telling me how beautiful and smart and important I am all the time. I get to live in the real world. I kind of like it here. 🙂
I totally agree with you there! I wouldn't trade our simple life for hers EVER. With all of its challenges, life is beautiful! 🙂
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this! Just when I thought I was about to get upset you made me laugh!!! Thank you for the reminder… of gratitude and grace
Lol! Glad I could make you smile, Tondra. 🙂 I think it's a reminder we ALL need sometimes!
Thank you for writing this. Comparing ourselves among ourselves and measuring ourselves by ourselves is so unwise as the apostle Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 10:12, For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.
This is something that I have tried to remember for some time. It is so easy to fall into the comparison trap, but as you’ve pointed out, no one benefits from it. If we compare ourselves to Jesus and measure ourselves by Him, all of those petty differences that we see as such a big deal just disintegrate into nothing.
More recently the Lord has impressed upon me the fact that “There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man…”, 1 Cor. 10:13. No matter how “unique” we think our situation or struggle is the basic temptations are common, not unique. In the bigger picture, there are no unique situations or hardships or opinions, and we only deprive ourselves and others when we try to close ourselves into the “unique” box. How the flesh does hate esteeming others better than itself with lowliness of mind!
As you said, the comparison trap is a dangerous one. First of all, it never leaves much room for compassion for others, but it also just creates a greater sense of self-pity and self-absorption that isn’t healthy (or pleasing to God) for any of us.
So glad you stopped by today, Mary! Please do so again soon! 🙂
Your post is still timely, challenging, and thoughtful! We are so inclined to play the comparison game, whether it’s our labor and delivery war stories (I’m always alarmed when women start this around young women who haven’t had children) or who has what or our circumstances. Thanks for reminding us of what God says about it.
It’s a trap we can fall into so easily. None of us want to feel our own needs are dismissed or unnoticed. We have to learn to trust that God knows and cares whether anyone else does or not. Thanks so much for reading, Donna!