I don’t need to defend my position as a stay-at-home mom. The fact is, I believe in it and nothing anybody says is going to change my mind one iota.
But I still feel a little chill run up my spine when I hear people say silly things like, “Yes, I know you’re busy, but I work.”
Implying, of course, that I don’t.
Then there’s, “I just couldn’t stay home and do nothing like that all day.”
Seriously? Why would you say something like that unless you’re just trying to be mean?
And my personal favorite, “I think it’s wonderful you stay home with your children. I would love to do that, but we simply can’t afford it.”
I love this one, especially when it generally comes from someone living a far more extravagant lifestyle than my own. Of course people are free to spend their money however they wish and I have no desire to interfere, but I’m always amused at the ability of some to look me in the eye and overlook the obvious discrepancy in our lifestyles to argue that staying home, while reasonable for someone like me, would be a financial hardship for them. Really?
Most SAHMs are passionate about their decision to stay home, not because they are militant “mominists” who think everyone must mother their way in order to be a good mom, nor because their decision to stay home so frequently and blatantly brings their very value as individuals into question. (And the latter happens often, believe me.)
Stay-at-home moms are passionate because the decision to stay home with their children requires a great deal of sacrifice. We don’t do it because we’re lazy, oppressed of men, or lacking ambition. Nor is our decision some fluke of circumstance. For most of us, staying home is a serious and carefully calculated commitment. And in a society that all-too-frequently devalues children as a nuisance and a hindrance to life success, a dive into full-time mothering can mean an exhausting swim against the very current of the culture.
So if you engage a stay-at-home mom in conversation and somehow the subject of her stay-at-home-itude comes up, don’t be surprised if you find her to be a zealot, of sorts. It’s only because she truly believes in what she’s doing. She couldn’t stay home otherwise.
So here’s my shout-out to stay-at-home moms everywhere. I don’t claim to be a poet, but I wrote this several years ago and though I realize it’s a little rough, especially the first couple of stanzas, do me a favor and keep reading.
The Young Woman Who Lived in a Shoe
There was a young woman who lived in a shoe;
With so many children, she knew not what to do
She worked from dawn to dusk without stop,
And still her housekeeping skills were a flop!
For round and round her feet everyday;
A band of mischievous munchkins would play,
Ask questions, make demands, and, of course, they would fight
Until her frayed nerves had left her a sight!
Just then the oldest in the carpet would spill
Two quarts of red kool-aid just put back to chill;
And pausing to mend a knee skinned in a fall,
She discovered the mud fingerprints on the wall!
And finally when all of that had been cleaned,
She found the huge spill of paint that was green!
And from there it continued into the night;
One mess and another, some laundry, a fight.
And cooking, then dishes, babies to feed,
And exhausting job for one woman, indeed!
And then, a knock at the door! A guest!
She welcomed her in; Wait till you hear the rest!
Glancing around, shocked by the mess,
The guest then spoke thoughtlessly, rudely, no less!
“I guess you’ve been reading a novel,” she said,
“Maybe surfing the web, shopping ebay instead.
It’s certain you’ve not worked on your house, I must say.
Tell me, what on earth do you do all day?”
Exhausted and flustered and ready to cry,
She choked back the tears and held her head high.
“What I do with my day,” she said, “is this.
I nurture a future generation and kiss
The boo-boos of children who someday might be
Most respected in American citizenry.
I work as a teacher, a lawyer, a chef;
A counselor, psychologist, physician, and ref.
I do it all and do it quite well, I think,
Though the house is a mess and the bathroom may stink;
And the laundry is piled up to the sky
And the dust on my dresser measures this high.
I work long and hard, take meals on my feet,
And still it seems no project’s complete.
But none of that matters, not really, you see;
For my life’s work my alter society.
If I raise one child who will stand for right
Who knows God and His word, one who will fight
For what’s good and what’s true, if he fights all alone
Then I’ve raised a hero in this messy home!
It really won’t matter the looks of this place;
When my life is over, I hope all can trace
The source of my child’s value system so true
To the stay-at-home mom who lived in a shoe!
LOVE, love, love your poem. I hear alot of the "I can't afford to stay home" excuse. But the truth is….I can't afford not to, there is too much at stake!
You should read this, too. It's very, very good and probably sums up a lot of the things that run through our heads when people make such statements. http://inashoe.com/2009/09/open-letter-working-moms/
Love this Tanya.. I felt every bit of it.. We are not well off financially and his family knows it and wonders why I don't "go to work".. for one, we only have one car, secondly, I home school Moriah and still, they imply I don't 'work'…. I despise that pressure that says just because you stay home, you don't work.. No, I may not be making money in this world, but I work! Darren read something to me one time that talked about how much money a SAHM would make IF (a very BIG if) she got paid for what she does at home and they said she would make close to $100,000 a year if she worked in the public doing what she does at home! Thankfully, the article was to promote that women who stay at home DO work! And it's worth far more than most people give it credit for! O well.. I could go on and on.. But I think you understand..
When people ask me if I work, I usually say something like, "Yes, I'm a stay-at-home mom. I work 24/7, I just don't get a W-2."
I totally empathize with this. I've had alot of people make simple comments about me working. Well, no, I chose not to work outside of my home, but with 7 people to keep clean and cook for, I do MY SHARE of work at home, much less working outside of the home. It doesn't prove anything for me to leave my children in the care of someone else all day just so I can *work*. Why, when I barely can keep up with all the laundry as it is. I think God gave me a special calling, and I enjoy being at home with my children. NOW, I might not be near as good at it as you are, because I don't homeschool my oldest two… BUT here in a couple of years I will be homeschooling and I know I shouldn't be scared, but I will admit that I am, just a tad.
You're already teaching them more than you realize now, so need to worry about homeschooling! 🙂 As far as that's concerned, begin to pray about it now and I think you'll be amazed what God will do. Knowing I might need to homeschool, I started praying about it long before it happened and I can't begin to tell you what a difference it has made. I didn't WANT to do it and didn't feel capable of doing it, and yet I can't even explain the change that's taken place in my heart and in my perspective. I'm doing what I never dreamed I could do and LOVING it, too. I know God can do the same for you!
That was supposed to say NO need to worry, by the way!!
And I do want to add that I realize there are some women put in situations that force them to work; single moms and such. But they're never the ones making ridiculous statements about staying at home, either!
Oh this is wonderful!!! I agree with every word! You are very gifted and I always enjoy your blog! You know, for me, I gave up a career that I loved, to be able to stay at home and raise my children. This is how much I believe in my current career! 😉 Ok, here's my favorite, "What on earth do you do all day?". What I want to say is, "Oh, I just sit around all day eating Bon-bons and watching soap operas!" duh?!!
Lol! That's the perception of many, I'm afraid!
Love it, I am very passionate about being a SAHM with our first set and now with the second set.. 🙂 Dale works extra jobs to pay for our Home school..We believe strongly in Home school. Great post
Maybe you should consider not being so defensive when you're talking about being a sahm (passive agressive). You say you don't have to defend it, but you just did. Ever considered that being a working mom is a "very calculated commitment" to us? Most likely not.
I have no doubt whatsoever that juggling the demands of a career and mothering and housework, too, requires a lot of "calculating!" But financially the same is certainly true of the stay-at-home mom. And while I don't believe it's necessary to defend my decision, (I'm very confident in it and don't apologize for that,) that doesn't for a moment mean I won't take the opportunity to do so from time to time!
While the choice to stay home has grown in popularity and acceptance in recent years, it's still not uncommon to hear incredibly rude and naive comments made about it. Stay-at-home moms certainly deserve at the very least the same amount of respect given to the mother who pursues a career. Sadly, that often is not the case. If I can encourage another mother in a decision I feel is so important to the healthy development of children, then I will do so gladly, even while accepting that it is a choice every mother must make for themselves.
I'm glad you stopped by! Please do so again!