I’m pretty sure most of us would agree: You don’t have to look very hard to find examples of bad parenting.
But what I find frustrating sometimes is that often really, really bad parenting is overlooked or somehow excused provided there’s some social or economic injustice to blame it on, even while good, decent parents are nit-picked to death over every single choice they make for their kids, from the way they schedule their every free moment to the ingredients present in every snack they serve.Why does that happen? Because everybody knows the bad parents aren’t listening to anyone else anyway. It’s the good parents, those who actually want to make good decisions for their children, who read the parenting books, take every study about child-rearing to heart, and heed every possible criticism in the hopes they won’t “mess up” their children. Their good, albeit imperfect intentions make them easy prey for every “expert”out there who wants to dictate the way children are taught, disciplined, and fed.
Now I whole-heartedly seek and accept the advice of others. I read parenting books and articles and blogs and, above all, I search the scriptures for guidance in the training of my children.But I also refuse to drive myself insane trying to match up to every mortal’s opinion of what a good parent should be.
Some things would indeed make me a bad mom: Abuse. Neglect. Indulgence.
But other things DO NOT. And I’m learning to quit feeling bad over those things.
- Occasionally feeding my kids fast food does NOT make me a bad mom.
I know it’s not good for you. I know a diet of french fries and cheeseburgers will pack on the pounds quicker than you can say two all-beef patties. I know fast food is generally laden with fat, calories, and preservatives, but sometimes life gets busy and a quick run through a drive-through can save a ton of time and stress. I cook at home three meals a day the overwhelming majority of the time, so I refuse to feel guilty over the occasional fast food meal.
- Letting my kids play video games does NOT make me a bad mom.
Okay, I will concede that allowing my children to play violent or sexually explicit video games would, indeed, make me a bad mom. Letting them play video games all day every day would probably make me a pretty neglectful mom, too. But video games in general are not evil. Period.
No, I don’t want my children in front of a screen at all times. Yes, I want them to experience nature and personal relationships and using their imagination.
But occasionally playing a video game does not have to interfere with that. In fact, I’ve been a little surprised at the kind of bond a good video game can build between my children when they’re playing it together! And I laugh that they often don’t even play some games the way they’re supposed to, but instead use the characters like digital action figures as they make up their own stories and adventures.
When my children play video games they are spending time together and using their imagination in some amazing ways. Sorry, but it’s hard to find a lot of fault with that.
- Not always eating at the table does NOT make me a bad mom.
I know you’ve read the statistics, too: Kids who regularly eat dinner with parents around the table are far more likely to avoid risky behaviors or commit crime.
I take that seriously. Just ask my husband. He actually pokes fun at me for acting like our children are going to wind up as ax murderers because I didn’t get the table cleared off in time for supper while in his home growing up, the family rarely sat together for meals. Their house just didn’t allow the space for it for one, and yet he and his siblings all managed to turn out to be well-adjusted, law-abiding citizens and devoted followers of Christ. Go figure!
I have to keep in mind we also homeschool, so we are at the table together a lot already and often my tabletop is covered in books and binders and papers and crayons that just don’t always get put away in time for supper. Sometimes the table is also the only safe place to store projects or supplies. Add to all of that that my kitchen table sits just inches outside my laundry “room” and often becomes a temporary resting place for piles of clean laundry.
I try to keep it clear for dinner, but it doesn’t always happen. Regardless of where we eat, we are almost always eating dinner together, so I won’t beat myself up too much if we don’t always make it to the table.
- Serving non-organic and processed foods does NOT make me a bad mom.
I’m all about clean eating. I love the concept of taking foods down to their most natural state, eating things fresh, and cooking from scratch.
But can we please be realistic here? I can’t cook like that all the time.
Sometimes I have to be able to pull out a quick food lest I spend every non-homeschooling moment of my life in my kitchen. Homemade bread almost never happens and every once in a while I have to break out a box of mac and cheese or hand my kid a conventional granola bar. (Although I can’t do Pop-Tarts. Have you looked at the ingredient list for those things? Yikes! Presidents have given inauguration addresses that were shorter than that! But I digress…)
I buy organic foods as often as I can, but I don’t always have access to them or have money enough to buy them when I do. But that’s okay. I’m very much convinced no one in the family is going to suffer irreparably for it.
And, hey, I’m cooking, aren’t I? And if I’m cooking, then I’m not committing the cardinal sin of buying fast food, so it’s all good.
- Not keeping a perfect home does NOT make me a bad mom.
- Not allowing my children to participate in every activity that interests them does NOT make me a bad mom.
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I am not a bad mom because I HAVE to work outside the home! It's better than letting my kids go naked!
Well if the only alternative is naked children, then I'm certainly glad you can work to prevent it. 😉
I am not a bad (mean) mom because I won't allow my teen to have a cell phone.
Good one, Angela! My teenager doesn't have one yet either. Her day will come, but we're holding out as long as we can. And she seems to be surviving quite well! 🙂
Well, as a mother of 5 growing children, I do not have time to make a meal specific to each child at every meal. Sooo im not mean because I have a rule thatt I am NOT 100 percent positive ye they will eat every meal Without complaints. And ,with no obligations to eat leftovers… Am I mean? Not sure yet
That makes me laugh, Angie, because I have known people who literally cooked separate meals for every member of their family. With me, that is SO NOT HAPPENING! I try not to cook anything anybody just hates, but I tell my kids if I cook it, they will eat it or else they'll be hungry all evening. And I do NOT feel like a bad mom for saying it! Sometimes a mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta do! 😉
Great post, Tanya!!! Sometimes us Mommies are too hard on ourselves.
So true, Amy. We're usually our own harshest critics.
I don't save every little school project, colored picture, info in baby books, or the like. My mother gave me a shoe box filled with things like that including first hair cut, first lost tooth… to me it was a bunch of junk. It was a box of her memories from my childhood, not my memories, so I gave it back. However, there is one thing of each kid that I did keep, their coming home outfit from the hospital. I'm turning it into a blanket that I'll use to bundle up my grandbabies in 10-15 yrs when they start to arrive. So I'm a good mom for not subjecting my children to awkward memories that they do not remember. 🙂
This made me laugh, Sarah! I decided a long time ago there is NO WAY I could keep every project, drawing, picture, or memento unless I intend to rent several storage units for the rest of my life!
I, too, have a few odds and ends I like to hold onto, but the rest has to go. There just isn't room for it! And just like you said, a lot of it will never mean as much to my kids as it means to me.
Thanks for your input, Sarah!
Amen!
Thank goodness! Otherwise I'd be a bad mom too! I generally try to do all the "right" things–but at the end of the day, no one is perfect, and what is best for my family may not be best for another.
All we can do is our best. And yet so many times we beat ourselves up because that just doesn't seem to be enough! But you're exactly right…we can never be perfect, no matter how hard we try.
Thank you Tanya for sharing this at the Family Fun Friday Link Up. This is a great post reminding moms that it's ok to not be perfect! I will be featuring this post at this week's link up on my blog. Blessings!
Thank you so much, Misty! I'm grateful for the feature. 🙂
How did you know about my candy bar!?! 🙂
I agree with all that you listed. There is a balance needed to everything.
There are also many more years when your children are adults that they can choose which lessons they want to take. Best wishes!
You're right…balance is important in everything. (And candy bars are okay sometimes ! 😉 ) Thanks for stopping by, Jendi!
I am not a bad mom because my children's birthday parties have been small, family affairs. Each child had one official birthday "party" at our house with invitations, presents and cake & ice cream, but the rest of their birthdays were family only. My kids felt special and loved, but none of their birthdays were big deal Pinterest-worthy events!
I LOVE this! Our birthday parties are usually small, family-only events, too. I know people who do BIG parties for every child every year and I cannot fathom the kind of money and time and trouble that goes into that. I think what's worse is the kind of expectation it builds in the child, to EXPECT that kind of attention and frivolity every year.
Anyway, I would have added this one if I'd thought of it!
I'm not a bad mom because I didn't give my children everything their friends had or let my children do what their friends did.
So, so true, Darlene! I never want to fall into that trap of trying to keep up with all my kids' friends and what they have and what they're allowed to do. What a miserable way to parent!
So many of these things resonate with me! I'll add that I'm not a bad mom 'cause I don't give all of (or even any of) my children a bath every day! Even when they do seem a little too dirty to put into clean sheets! (Raising Homemakers)
I almost included this one in my list!! I shocked somebody one day with the confession that my kids don't get a daily bath and I wondered for a while afterward if I really was a terrible mom for that. But there's a reason people still joke sometimes about their "Saturday night bath." Before indoor plumbing, that was the only time people actually bathed, and most of them managed to get through life quite well in spite of it. (Not that I'm advocated once-a-week bathing, of course. 😉 ) And it's my understanding some Europeans will say we Americans OVER-bathe and do harm to our skin in the process.
But maybe I look like I'm trying to justify fewer baths. Oh well. As I've heard people say before, "A little dirt don't hurt." Thanks for reading, Abi!
We are all human beings just trying to make our way through this life. I wish people would stop being so judgemental and just love one another!
Most of the time I think moms are their own worst critics. Granted, it stems from some of the ridiculous expectations society places on women, but I also believe we fall prey to that guilt far too easily.
Thanks for reading, Rebecca!
Bravo! 4 gals to care for in this house and I can admit to each one on the list. I like to do the right thing, but if I make myself a perfection Nazi it is going to drive them away and drive me insane. Tonight got crazy…. we had pizza instead of chicken parmesan (for which I'd forgotten to thaw the chicken. Kiddos and hubby were thrilled, and I got to chill while everyone lounged around the family room eating pizza. It's good to do it right, but it's also good to let your hair down sometimes…. and as far as video games go? That's the way my teenagers bond with my husband. They have a blast and its not hurting anything at all.
We break down and order pizza more often than I care to admit. But when life gets really busy, it's far more of a necessity than a luxury.
And my kids LOVE playing video games with my husband, Anne! When the weather is bad or it's late and there's not much to do outside anyway, I'm glad they can still have that time together doing something fun.
So glad you stopped by!
Love this!! Super balanced…I think we need to let go of some of our standards, and focus more on the hearts of our children 🙂
Visiting from Inspired By Me Mondays!! Hope you come back again this week, Rachael @ Diamonds in the Rough
Thanks you so much for the chance to link up! And for stopping by today!
Oh! I know this is an older post..but I am new😉! I agree with all of this. And the candy bar….haha!
What honesty. I made my family crazy for a few years trying to feed organic and “perfect” foods. We were miserable! Our already shoestring budget became more of a thread budget!! Looking back I think of all the things we could have used all that money for, and the STRESS of every bite that went into 7 mouths.
BUT looking ahead and concerning myself today, like the Lord tells me too, I know better now. God bless
Mrs.O
Yeah, sometimes we have to learn through our mistakes. I try very hard to be healthy in my cooking and our eating, but you have to live, too! Obsessing over some of that stuff just makes EVERYBODY miserable!
So glad you stopped by! Thanks for taking the time to read and comment!